Talk to your current or future spouse about your feelings. You could say, “I love you very much, but there is a piece of my heart that will always belong to my former partner. This doesn’t take away from how much I love you, but I just wanted you to know that there are times when I miss them. ” Getting this out in the open before you get married could prevent arguments and misunderstandings. Your new partner’s reaction may also show if you should marry them or not. [1] X Research source
You might say, “I feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. It’s like I’m here happy and he’s dead. That’s why I pull away from you sometimes. I want you to know that so we can work through these feelings. "
If your family or friends are giving you a hard time about moving on, explain to them that you are doing what you need to do to be happy. You can say, “I’m sorry you feel that I am not honoring my late spouse by marrying again. However, there is no one right way to grieve, and I am doing the best I can to be happy at this point in my life and remarrying will do that. I hope you understand and will support me. ” Letting your family know that you will not tolerate them treating you badly because of this may stop them from negatively affecting your future marriage. [2] X Research source Be sure to express this early to help prevent it from becoming a problem.
Just because you don’t do these things doesn’t mean it is wrong that they do. If you aren’t happy with the situation, talk to them about it. For example, you could say, “I love you very much and I know how much your late spouse meant to you. I think it’s great you uphold their memory, but the way you go about it makes me uncomfortable. ” You may be able to come up with a compromise that allows the both of you to feel comfortable. [3] X Research source
In addition, seeing a counselor together before your new marriage may help both you and your new spouse come to terms with this new chapter of life and deal with the expectations of children or other relatives. [4] X Research source
Keep in mind that it is typical for people to remarry after losing a spouse, but children will not want to replace their parent. Your experience and your children’s experiences will likely be different in this way.
Instead of trying to live up to others’ expectations or attempting to remarry after you become widowed in the “right” way, do what you and your new spouse feel comfortable with. Don’t be hard on yourself about this new chapter in your life and your marriage will likely be happy and healthy because of it. [6] X Research source Take the time that you need and avoid rushing through this process.
If you believe your new spouse is comparing you to their late spouse, be open about how you feel. For instance, tell them, “I feel as though you compare me to your late spouse and I am not comfortable with that. It’s not fair to me, you, or our relationship. ” Your spouse may not even realize what they are doing and may change their ways after you express your concern about it. [7] X Research source
Taking your child to see a therapist if they are upset about your remarrying may help them become more comfortable with the situation. The therapist may be able to offer different words than you that can help your child understand that they, and their parent, aren’t being replaced. [8] X Trustworthy Source Chabad. org Online resource for information related to Chabad-Lubavitch and Jewish culture Go to source Keep in mind that all children will respond differently. They may warm up to your new spouse right away or they may need time to adjust and work through their feelings.
Tell your older children, “I understand you do not want me to remarry. However, I am in love and doing this will make me happy. You are entitled to your own opinion, but please do not disrespect me, my spouse, or our marriage. ” If they continue to act negatively towards your union, you may need to distance yourself from them until they are able to move on. [9] X Research source This may only be a short-term behavior and they may come around if you hold your position.
For instance, you can tell your new spouse, “I do not want to come between you and your children. However, I know that they are against our marriage. Please tell me what I can do to stop this from hurting our marriage and to make everyone comfortable. ” You must also tell your spouse that you expect them to defend you and not put up with any disrespectful behavior or words from their children. [10] X Research source
