Start by letting her know you need to talk. ”Alice, I think we really need to talk. There’s been something that has really be bothering me. ” Explain what the issue is for you; specific to your relationship. For example, if your partner is selfish or egotistical in conversations and making it about her, you could say, “I feel like when we talk, it isn’t really equal. I love hearing about your day, but I’d really like for you to hear about my day too. When we talk, it feels really unevenly focused. ” Ask for her input: “What do you think?”
You can try tasks like taking a relationship selfishness checklist test to increase your partner and your awareness of any selfishness in your relationship. Humans are social creatures and tend to unconsciously adopt the goals of those close to us. [3] X Research source Just like couples who learn a sport, how to cook, or a new language together, you can learn how to be less selfish and opinionated together. Make sure to celebrate and praise each other for positive changes you are making. The better you both feel about it, the more likely you are to continue to work towards the goal.
One way you can address this is to have a funny thing you do or say if you notice your partner slipping back into her selfish habits. Agree to an action or a phrase during your conversation. If you make it something you both find funny, it can take the pressure off of pointing it out. The “Cut it out” hand motion Uncle Joey used in Full House. Playing a funny song such as Toby Keith’s “I wanna talk about me. " Saying, “Hold on, I haven’t had enough coffee for this conversation yet. " Pick something that is funny to you and your partner, like an inside joke that only you share.
Avoid complaining about him or harshly criticizing him as it will only make him feel more threatened. [6] X Research source When you are talking to him focus on his strengths and try to draw on the potential of those strengths. Compliment him not just for his looks, but for how he acts and what he does. [7] X Research source
While you cannot change other people, you can help them to change. You can also control how you react to their egotism and the effect you let it have on your life. [10] X Research source
“John, I really need to talk to you about something that is bothering me. I know you have things you want to say as well, but I really need someone to listen. Would you be willing to focus on just this problem and help me?” Bring up topics more regularly that you are interested it. You may have gotten into the habit of just listening to your partner and letting him control the conversations. Start a new pattern of conversation by interjecting with topics you are interested in or thoughts you are having.
“Jane, I love it when you teach me how to cook. You are really good at it, and I want to learn. It just really hurts me when you tell it to me like I’m a nine year old kid. " ”I understand you have a very strong opinion about this. Maybe you know more about it than I do, too. I would just really like for you to respect my opinion even if it is different than yours and not laugh at me for sharing it with you. ”
Just as you may have to accept that your partner is selfish, he have to accept that you are going to be just who you are as well. That should just be one more thing he loves about you.
Take classes or carve out time in your schedule to do things that you enjoy, focusing on self-care and your own needs. You can always put your giving energy into volunteering as well. Try organizations such as Volunteer Match.
Keep track of how happy you are in the relationship and how your day-to-day life is being affected. Notice how drained or exhausted you are feeling and make sure to give yourself the time and attention needed to recover. Try not to let this relationship become all-consuming for your life. Spend time with friends, or work on a hobby or interest that is important to you. Set firm boundaries if she tries to push your buttons or engage you in a fight. You can say something like, “I’m not going to respond when you’re yelling at me like this. I’m going to go in the other room and we can talk again in an hour when we’ve calmed down. "
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