Don’t feel the need to lie or ask your spouse to lie on your behalf about why you can’t go to an event that your mother-in-law is at. Keep the explanation simple by saying something like “I wasn’t in the mood to go out. ” Lying will only make the relationship between yourself and your mother-in-law more difficult. Talk to your spouse about which events you are able to miss, as it might be important to them that you go to some. However, you can also explain that you don’t want to go to an event. A successful relationship is based on communication and compromise.
If you’re at a social event such as a large family gathering or wedding, this should be easy to do. If you’re in a smaller social situation, it may help to talk to your spouse beforehand — they might be able to give you some space to disengage if you need it. You could excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, to go and refresh your drink, or simply to go talk to someone else.
Think of your mother-in-law as an acquaintance, rather than as another mother, if your relationship isn’t warm and familial. Don’t feel pressured into calling your mother-in-law “mom” or “mother” unless you’re comfortable with it. If she or your spouse complains, calmly explain that you don’t feel comfortable calling her “mom. " You don’t need to make up a reason or explain further.
Moving house is a big endeavor and not a decision that should be taken lightly. Talk to your spouse about some of the benefits and costs of moving house, rather than just moving to help you ignore your mother-in-law. It could be a point on the list, rather than the entire reason for moving.
This is a difficult conversation to have and one that should be handled very carefully. Approach the subject gently with your spouse — remember, your mother-in-law is their mother, meaning they will have a different relationship. Stay calm, discuss the situation, and explain why you think cutting your mother-in-law off is the right move. You could say something like “I don’t feel like the relationship we have with your mother is healthy, and it’s causing me a lot of stress. Could we talk about reducing the time we spend with her or the access she has to us?”
Try using statements about how you feel, rather than statements about things that your mother-in-law does. You don’t need to villainize your spouse’s mother, you only need to explain that you sometimes find her difficult. For example, you could say “When your mother visits unannounced, I feel like my personal space is being invaded and it makes me anxious. " Your spouse may get defensive or uncomfortable as you discuss issues you have with their mother. Avoid raising the tension if you notice this happening. Stay calm and explain your perspective kindly and with compassion. Give your partner space to process and remind them that you care about them.
If your mother-in-law gives her opinion on everything you do, you might want to set a boundary on the advice you want from her. You could ask that she doesn’t tell you how to discipline your kids or cook a certain meal unless you ask for her help. If you ignore your mother-in-law because she comes over a lot unannounced, you could tell her that she needs to call before visiting your home so that you have time to prepare for her. You could also ask that she only visits a certain number of times each week or month. If your mother-in-law is overly comfortable or open with you, such as by telling you about family drama or asking you to call her “mom. ” you could tell her that you’d prefer to use her name, or avoid getting too engaged in gossip. Suggest some other conversation topics that would interest both of you and set the boundaries on your relationship.
If you don’t feel comfortable explaining the boundaries to your mother-in-law, talk about them with your spouse first. They may be more comfortable talking to their mother and setting up the boundaries. However, if your spouse is unsuccessful, you may need to talk to your mother-in-law yourself. Instead of talking through the boundaries with your mother-in-law, you could write a letter or an e-mail outlining them instead. Remember to write kindly — you should be trying to repair and strengthen a relationship, rather than kick her out of your life. Start with something like “I appreciate having you in my life and I want to make sure that our relationship is as healthy as possible. " Try to phrase the discussion as you and your mother-in-law solving a problem, rather than you fighting with her.
If your mother-in-law doesn’t respond to gentle reminders, you may need to address her crossing your boundaries more directly. Tell your mother-in-law that she has broken the boundaries you set up, and remind her what she can do to resolve it. For example, if your mother-in-law visits unannounced, you could say “It’s great to see you, but we agreed that you’d let us know before you came over. Now isn’t really a good time, but we could have you over for dinner on Sunday?” Make sure that your spouse understands how to enforce the boundaries, and that they are committed to doing so with you. Express that these boundaries are important to make you feel comfortable and happy, as well as strengthening the relationship between you and your mother-in-law.
Consider what your mother-in-law is used to or expecting as a parent to your spouse, as a grandmother to your children, or even as a mother-in-law to you. Working out what she wants and why she wants it can help navigate a difficult relationship and avoid needing to ignore her completely.
If you want to ignore your mother-in-law because she is too comfortable with you, it might help to consider how you connect with other people. While you don’t have to change who you are, you may be able to find a way to meet your mother-in-law in the middle by changing your relationship.
Try establishing different types of relationships with your mother-in-law instead. Think of her as a friend, an acquaintance, or a coworker, rather than as a mother-in-law or second mother. This might help you limit your expectations and handle her better. If your mother-in-law is harmful, emotionally manipulative, or abusive to you or your family, you should be very cautious in your expectations of the relationship. It might be unsafe for you to have a relationship with your mother-in-law at all. Remember that the safety of yourself and your family should always come first.
