Do people tell you that you’re selfish? If so, how many people have told you this? Who were these people? Are they friends? Family members? Coworkers? Are they people whose opinions you trust? What was the context of these comments? Did they explain why they think your behavior is selfish?
For example, if you are having a movie night with your family, do you expect everyone to watch what you want to watch, or are you willing to discuss options and compromise?
For instance, if you frequently ask for people to loan you money or cover your shifts at work, but you don’t do those things in return, you might be selfish.
For instance, if you promised to pick your brother up from work, it would be selfish to bail on him so you could go out with friends.
For example, if you guilt-trip your parents into buying you things you want, you are being manipulative.
For example, giving your partner the silent treatment when they ask you to do something differently around the house is a punishing behavior.
Ask yourself how much you know about others in your life. For example, if you had to deliver a wedding toast or eulogy for your best friend, what would you say about them? If you can’t really think of anything to say, this may be a sign that you don’t spend enough time getting to know others.
If more than one friend or significant other has told you that you’re selfish before, there may be something to the accusation.
Running late constantly, not picking up after yourself, borrowing people’s things without giving them back, and changing your plans without letting others know are a few examples of inconsiderate behavior. For instance, if it’s common practice for everyone to be late to dinner or events because they are waiting on you, you may not be very considerate of others’ time.
Another way to gauge this is to think about whether you announce your good deeds to others, either in person or on social media. If you have to make sure others know how generous or good-hearted you are, you’re probably not really being altruistic. For example, if you constantly tell your friend, “I cleared my entire schedule for you” to make them feel guilty, you may not have good intentions.
For instance, if you expect other people to help you when you’re in a pinch, but you don’t ever feel like bothering to do the same for anyone else, you probably do act selfish sometimes.
For instance, suppose a family member calls you selfish because you can’t get time off work to come home for their birthday. You’re not actually being selfish for wanting to keep your job – they’re just not being reasonable.
For instance, if a longtime friend says you’re selfish, they might be trying to help you fix a problem they’ve noticed in your behavior. If your abusive ex says you’re selfish, though, they’re probably just trying to manipulate your feelings.
Of course, if you spend all your time on self-care and neglect your responsibilities to others, you might want to rethink things. Examples of healthy, reasonable self-care might include getting enough rest, making time to exercise, spending time with people you care about, and going to religious services.
For instance, if you have a food allergy and your friends want to go out to eat, it’s not selfish to ask if you can go to a restaurant that will accommodate your diet.
