3 Ways To Know If Your Relationship Is Holding You Back

If you are the enabler, constantly accommodating your partner’s unhealthy or irresponsible behavior may require so much of your energy that there is little left over for your own individual growth. On the contrary, if your partner is enabling you, staying in this relationship could be building an attitude of learned helplessness within you. [1] X Research source There may be more subtle forms of codependency at play as well. Consider if you are hesitant to push yourself out of your comfort zone — if you relationship is based mostly on feeling comfortable, with little growth happening. If you notice signs of codependency in your relationship, you should seek professional counseling right away. Signs may include lack of personal boundaries, people-pleasing, and excessive control. [2] X Research source

For instance, if you come home with a great idea or good news, does your partner ask, “Why would you want that? Why can’t you be happy with how thing are?” This could be a sign of your partner using guilt-trips or control to keep you stagnant.

For example, you share a dream of traveling the world, and your partner is outraged. “We can’t afford that! It’s too dangerous to travel now-a-days!” Their response makes you less likely to explore and share your interests and dreams. A healthy relationship features two partners who have both mutual and separate interests. If you find yourself having to give up passions because they differ from your partner’s, you could be being held back. [5] X Research source

If you and your partner have been together for some time, yet they refuse to advance the relationship to the next level, this could translate into you being held back from getting the fulfillment you desire in a partnership. [7] X Research source

If your partner is emotionally detached or immature, you could be missing out on the opportunity to be with someone who can be vulnerable and empathetic with you. [8] X Research source

This can be an easy fix. You can develop separate interests and pursue new friendships to regain a sense of self in the relationship; however, if your partner stands in the way of this, this could indicate a bigger problem. [10] X Research source Pursue your individual hobbies and make sure you both have friends outside of the relationship. You may want to plan an evening each week in which you each hang out with your own group of friends (sometimes this is in the form of a “girls night” or a “poker night”).

Or, ask yourself if you have put aside your own aspirations to support your partner’s dreams. Do you want to write a novel, but you spend all your free time going to your partner’s shows to support their musical career?

A healthy partnership should enrich your life, not make you question “Is this all there is?” Hopelessness can be a sign of depression. If you believe your relationship is making you depressed, talk to your doctor as soon as possible. [12] X Research source

Have you sat down and clearly communicated your thoughts and feelings to your partner? If you haven’t, then you need to pencil in a time to talk. Your partner may be willing to work with you to make the relationship more satisfying. If you have talked to your partner about your feelings and there was no change, it may be time to move on from this relationship in order to find greater fulfillment. [14] X Research source

Assess your expectations. Have you been blaming your partner for a lack of progress in your own life? Are you placing the key to your happiness in your partner’s hands? Keep in mind that you are the only one who can make you happy. [15] X Research source You may want to take a solo day or weekend trip to gain some perspective. Ask if you are taking responsibility for your own happiness and fulfillment. A solo getaway provides you with the time and space to self-reflect without the influence of your partner.

You might say, “Hey, Don, I’m concerned that my relationship with Toni is holding me back. I don’t feel like she supports me or encourages me to push towards my goals. What’s your opinion?” Your friend may shed some insight that you didn’t notice. For instance, they may respond, “Well, I obviously don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors, but I am concerned that she doesn’t want you to hang out with friends. She seems very controlling. ”[16] X Research source

If this is your first time bringing this up, you might say, “I feel like I am not being supported by this relationship. I feel held back. I wanted to share my feelings so we can brainstorm options to improve the relationship. ” If you are choosing to end the relationship, you might say, “I have put a lot of thought into this, and I think we should break it off. We have completely different goals for our futures. By staying together, we are sacrificing our goals for the relationship. I want us both to achieve our dreams, so I think it’s best if we break up. ”

Find a couples therapist by searching for one in your local area through resources like Psychology Today. [19] X Research source