Pick a place that is not romantic. If you tell him the news at a nice restaurant, or while the sun is setting on the beach, he’ll be thrown off guard. Tell him at a place where you would never go on a date. Tell him in the morning or during the day. The nighttime is more romantic. Pick a place where you’ll be relatively alone and away from his friends. You don’t want him to be embarrassed if other people hear you deliver the bad news. Pick a time when he’s not likely to be busy or stressed-out. Don’t tell him the night before a big exam, or when he has an incredibly busy day at work. Don’t dawdle. Once you know he likes you, don’t wait too long for the perfect moment to say something. The longer he doesn’t know how you feel, the more hurt he’ll be.
Prepare to keep it simple. You won’t have to go into all of the reasons why you only like him as a friend. Practice your tone. Say everything you plan on saying aloud so you feel more comfortable when the time comes.
If he’s a shy and sensitive guy, then he may not have much to say afterwards. Think of a few reassuring words you can say, or even a few light-hearted comments, that can make it easier. If he’s going to be really hurt, prepare to support him. You don’t have to apologize for not liking him, but you can be there for him and tell him not to be so upset. He’s a great guy, and he’ll definitely find someone else.
Tell him that it wasn’t easy for you to open up about this, but that it was necessary. He’ll appreciate that you valued him enough to tell him the truth. Validate his feelings and let him know you appreciate that he’s giving you a compliment of sorts, but redirect the conversation and explain that you’re really not interested. [4] X Expert Source Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFTLicensed Relationship Therapist Expert Interview. 11 August 2021. Just because you’re being honest doesn’t mean that you should get into the top five reasons why you would never date him. If you’re not feeling it, that’s okay – but you don’t have to make him feel flawed or not good enough for you. Try to be kind and acknowledge how vulnerable he must be to open up to you like this. [5] X Expert Source Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFTLicensed Relationship Therapist Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.
Though it sounds harsh, the most important thing is to not give him hope. If he thinks there’s even a chance that you’ll like him later, he’ll keep waiting for it to happen. Remember that being firm doesn’t mean that you have to be cruel. [7] X Expert Source Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFTLicensed Relationship Therapist Expert Interview. 11 August 2021. You don’t have to say that there’s a 0% chance that you’ll ever get together, or that there’s no way you’d ever go out with him. You will essentially be saying this – but in a nice way. Don’t apologize. Though the situation is uncomfortable, and you feel bad for him, you can’t help how you feel.
Don’t say, “My life is just so crazy busy right now. " No matter how busy you are, you’d be able to make time for someone special. This will only make him feel unimportant, and even more hurt if he sees you with someone else a few weeks later. Don’t say, “It’s not you, it’s me. " Don’t make up excuses about how you need to work on yourself before being in a relationship, or that you don’t know how to commit or that you have low self-esteem. If you really wanted to be with him, you would be. Don’t say, “You can do so much better than me. " Don’t put yourself down as a way to make him feel better. He won’t. Don’t say, “I like you but I don’t want to ruin our friendship. " Unless he’s your best friend in the world, how many times is that one true?
Be sincere. Make eye contact and speak slowly to let him know how much he really means to you. You don’t have to go overboard. Don’t spend twenty minutes extolling his greatest features. He’ll begin to think, “If I’m so great, then why won’t she date me?”
Whatever his reaction, take the time to let him talk to you while you nod, listen, and ask questions at the right time. Don’t let it feel like a one-way exchange. Don’t interrupt him. If he talks, you’ll have a better sense of how deep his feelings are, and it can help you see where the friendship stands. You may find out if he has a harmless crush or has been in love with you for years.
Don’t make things more awkward by telling everyone what happened. If you’re in the same group of friends, then everyone around you will be making things awkward too.
You can still be nice if you see him in groups, but don’t invite him out to movies, coffee dates, or whatever it is you used to do all the time every chance you get. Don’t ignore him completely. You can invite him somewhere once in a while so he doesn’t feel like you’re avoiding him. But wait for him to initiate the friendship move.
Unfortunately, there are some cases where it’s just not possible for you to return to your former friendship. The guy may feel too hurt or embarrassed, and being around you may only make him feel worse. If this is the case, then accept it and move on.
