You don’t need a specific excuse either. [2] X Expert Source Amber Rosenberg, PCCPacific Life Coach Expert Interview. 26 April 2021. It’s totally fine to say something like, “I’m gonna head home and catch up on some rest tonight, but I’m looking forward to catching Jimmy’s match next week. ” Understand that you might receive some backlash or a guilt trip when you decline. Make your needs clear in a respectful manner and, if pressed, remind them that you don’t need to justify yourself. Many people experience feelings of guilt when they consider turning down family events. Consider writing down your values (such as “self-care” or “maintaining balance in my life”) and referring to this list when you begin to feel guilty. Family, certainly, is one of your values, but reminding yourself of your other values may help.
In fact, it’s worth remembering that helping someone too much can prevent them from taking care of themselves to their full ability. Whatever your reason, of course, feel free to say something like, “I really can’t swing by right now. If you’re still having trouble with your router this weekend, I can maybe come check it out on Saturday?”
In short, don’t hesitate to reassure older relatives by saying something like, “I really do appreciate your desire to be involved in my life, but I’ve made up my mind. It feels like you’re trying to control my life, and I do not need you to do so. ”
Consider examples of times that your emotional or mental limits have been pushed by family member’s statements or behavior. These are areas in which you might want to articulate more specific boundaries. When something that you are not comfortable occurs, voice your concern by saying something like, “I feel stressed when you stop by unannounced. Please respect our privacy by giving us a call before you come by. ”
For instance, maybe you enjoy seeing a particular family member as often as possible, but they often overstay their welcome. In such a scenario, state a specific boundary as a clear request. Say something like, “Jared, it’s great that we’re able to hang out a few times a week, and at the same time it’s important that I’m able to get to bed by eleven every night. I still want you to come over and spend time with us as long as we can say our goodbyes a bit earlier in the evening. ”[9] X Expert Source Amber Rosenberg, PCCPacific Life Coach Expert Interview. 26 April 2021.
Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty or doubt the validity of the boundary you want to see maintained. Repeat your request whenever necessary. Sticking to the boundaries you request will keep you from feeling like you’re being taken advantage of or not begin listened to, and will help your relationships with the relevant family members positive.
If you feel uncomfortable about requesting a certain boundary you’d like to see established, make a different, less stressful request first. This can help the other person realize that they need to be aware of your feelings and desires. For instance, start by asking your cousin to stop parking in your driveway every time they come over, as they keep blocking the sidewalk and upsetting your neighbors. Requests like this, with specific, simple reasons, are a great way to practice establishing boundaries.
For instance, feel free to say things like, “I’m always happy to see you David, but we need some time to ourselves tonight. I’ll let you know the next time we’re having guests over. ”
This is especially important when a family member is hard to talk to about things like healthy boundaries. It may take several conversations to get through to them. Remind yourself that other people’s anger is not a reason to compromise on your values. You may even want to say something like, “I understand that you’re upset, but I’ve been very clear about how I feel about this and I’m not going to change my mind simply because you’re angry. Let’s talk about it again when we’re all a bit more calm.
For instance, if you’ve spoken to someone about drinking less around your kids but they continue to over-serve themselves, you may need to ask them not to visit your home, and/or avoid visiting theirs. Though this may feel cruel, it’s more than fair to give someone the time and space to decide whether they are willing to adjust their behavior to respect a fair boundary that you request.
