If you are a working mother who would like to become a stay at home mom in order to increase the amount of time you can spend with your child, spend some time figuring out your finances to create a plan that will allow you to do so. You can figure out the love language for your child. For example, they may like to hear kind words, receive gifts, like you to do things for them, or spend quality time with them. Show interest in the things that they find interesting. Activities you do with your child don’t have to be complicated. Time spent together can be as simple as taking a walk, sharing a picnic snack, or going together to a favorite spot. Your child is more likely to approach you with their needs if they feel comfortable spending alone time with you.
Sometimes children of divorced parents need additional confirmation that they still have their parents’ love. While you may be proud of your child’s achievements, make sure the child knows that you love them regardless of whether they bring home a perfect report card or not.
Avoid rhetorical questions, which your child may not know how to interpret. Instead, use open-ended questions as often as possible, which will allow the child to know that you’re interested in what they have to say. Open-ended questions usually start with Who, What, Where, When, Why, or How.
Inviting your child to continue to share about her experience will allow her to know you value her individual perspective. The conversation extenders will also model for her ways in which she can ask for more information with a peer, another adult, or to increase her ability to articular her own experience.
You can validate their feelings while not doing what they want. For example, “I know you don’t want to take a bath. It’s lots of fun to play with dolls, and it’s not fun to be told to stop. You need a bath because it’s important to stay clean. You can choose the bath toys, and we can make lots of bubbles if you want. "
Allow your child to answer questions for themselves. Try to avoid “filling in the blanks” for your child in conversation. For example, don’t answer a question for your child, such as “No, Jack won’t like popcorn. He never likes popcorn!” Instead, turn to Jack and ask him, “Jack, your friend’s mom wants to know if you want popcorn. Do you?” Refraining from profanity, and not speaking rudely are other elements of respect.
Doing things for your child over time reinforce a sense of helplessness in the child’s idea of themselves. Remember that there are cultural differences in typical ideas of child development, and be mindful of respecting these differences. For instance, some cultures teach the use of eating with silverware at a very young age, while others continue to eat with their hands.
Showing your child that you trust them to make their own choices, and to learn from their mistakes, emphasizes that you value their independence. Make sure that the consequences of their learning won’t have overly detrimental affects on their physical or emotional safety. For example, if your nephew is just learning to look both ways before crossing the street, you’ll obviously want to protect him from busy intersections. However, allowing him to practice independently looking both ways before crossing together with you is a good idea.
You don’t want to overwhelm your child with choices. Choosing from 2-3 options is generally enough. For example, “Do you want corn or sweet potatoes with your ham?” Providing choices that you wouldn’t choose yourself encourages independence in your child.
“I’m sorry for yelling. I felt frustrated and I did not handle it well. I never want to be scary to you. " “I’m sorry I wasn’t listening when you were trying to tell me you felt overwhelmed in the store. I don’t blame you for crying. You tried to tell me you needed a break and I should have paid attention. " “I’m sorry I didn’t get to read to you before bed last night. I know how important that special time is to you. It’s important to me too and I’m sad I missed out. Would you like extra bedtime reading time tonight?”
For example, if your son dislikes organized sports, don’t force him into one. Instead, let him choose a way to exercise that he enjoys. Or if your little sister is autistic, don’t tell her to hide her disability in public, and let her be herself.
Pay attention to their struggles and model how to handle that well. For example, if the child is perfectionistic, model accepting self-talk out loud when you make a mistake and let them see you handle it gracefully.
If you’re inconsistent, you’re giving a child the information that their needs are not important to you. Having regular daily routines at home will help provide a better sense of security for your child. If these routines are based in your child’s needs, they’ll better understand that they are valued.
If you’re really busy one day and don’t spend much time with them, make up for it by spending more time with them on a later day.
Don’t remain in situations where you’re abused, neglected or mistreated. Take time for yourself when you need it. You don’t have to be constantly available at the whims of your child. If you really need some quiet time, say so, and set up the child with something they can do independently. If you need help understanding more about self-care, ask for help from a friend or professional.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun with your child. However, you must be prepared to interrupt a fun game in order to ensure that the child’s safety needs are met. Consider your child’s individual personality. Some children need more structure to feel safe than other children. It’s important to meet the needs of your particular child.
Be gentle and firm about rules. For example, “I know you want the purple car. The rule we set is that you can pick out one toy, and you already chose the pink car. It’s your choice which car you get. " You can empathize with the child while still expecting them to adhere to the rules.
Reminding them that they will have other opportunities to make better choices is one way of encouraging them to learn. If your child repeatedly engages in the same negative behavior, consider what response you are providing. If you tend to engage more frequently with your child regarding negative behaviors, they may be acting out in search of your attention.
