Social problems aren’t always your fault. Research has shown evidence of a “double empathy problem,” in which non-autistics don’t empathize as well with autistic people. [3] X Research source This isn’t your fault. If someone isn’t willing to try to understand you, they aren’t good friendship material.
Don’t try to make friends with someone who doesn’t respect you. If someone treats you badly, you don’t have to spend time with them. If you get bullied a lot, it may be hard to make friends with non-disabled people. And you don’t have to. If all your friends are disabled, that’s okay. Sometimes, friends with disabilities are much less judgmental and cruel than people without disabilities can be.
If you have more than one mentor, that’s great! You can hear advice and perspectives from more than one person.
Try networking with the #ActuallyAutistic community online. Try finding a forum or chat site dedicated to one of your special interests.
If they are busy reading, wearing headphones, etc. then they probably don’t want to talk right now. Let them be.
Non-autistic people tend to make eye contact often, and stand relatively still. While you don’t have to mimic their behavior (especially if it’s awkward or uncomfortable for you), it helps to understand it. Learn to read body language. Look at signs that a person is feeling open to social activities, and signs that they’re “closed off” and they want to be alone. Try faking eye contact by looking at their nose or mouth. If someone seems surprised or confused by your stimming, give a quick explanation. Say something like “I’m just a fidgety person,” “This helps me burn off extra energy,” or “I have a disability that makes me fidgety. I’m still listening, and you can keep talking. "
Ask open-ended questions to get to know them better. Figure out what the person is interested in, and get them to tell you about it. Open-ended questions begin with who, what, when, where, why, and how. For example, “What is your pet dog like?” or “What was it like in the Philippines?” If you don’t know how to start the conversation, look for something that you have in common. For example, if you sit next to a classmate and you’re working on a worksheet, offer to work together on the worksheet or say to her after class, “What’d you think of that worksheet?” Another option would be to lightly tap her shoulder and say, “I’m having some trouble with this question. Can you help me?” Take cues of when to speak and when not to speak. When you do talk, try to keep it brief, as most people will get annoyed if you go off on a tangent on something you’re interested in without letting them get a word in! Likewise, don’t interrupt somebody when they’re speaking. Learn signals of when you think the person is going to speak, and take them into account. Know when someone is getting bored of the conversation. The signals vary from person to person, but common signals are looking around instead of focusing on you, their body facing a different direction from you, looking at a handheld object instead of at your face, and responding with one-word answers or noises such as “mm-hmm”.
Know that some people are fair-weather friends - meaning that they’ll be around to talk to you when you’re fine, but if you’re overstimulated or have a meltdown or shutdown, they won’t help you and may pretend you don’t exist. If you have a fair-weather friend, try to find a friend who will help you when you need it - a friend who won’t help you isn’t a friend who’s good to be with all the time. Decide whether to disclose your autism. This can depend on how comfortable you are with yourself, how “visibly autistic” you are, and whether it is relevant to a conversation. You may need to answer some awkward questions, but in the end, it’ll give you a good opportunity to see the other person’s character. A good friend may react with understanding, confusion (if they don’t understand autism well), acceptance, and/or curiosity. They’re open to you explaining things they don’t understand well. A bad friend might stop being interested in you, or get defensive if you gently try to correct their misconceptions. You may feel hurt or stifled. This is not your fault.
If you decide to talk over the phone, it may be harder to tell when it’s your turn to talk. Learn how the person prepares to talk, and expect that you may accidentally speak at the same time. Be careful with primarily text communication, as it can become extremely easy to misinterpret something or offend somebody on accident. If this occurs, it’s best to work it out as quickly as possible so the incident can be smoothed over.
